Just a little bit lost   6 comments

Stevie's Easter Eggs

Today is Easter and I noticed that after having some fun with my toddler and his Easter basket, I feel a little bit of loss.  I was raised as a Christian.  I even converted to Catholicism as an adult.  I don’t dis-believe in Christ.  On the contrary, I believe in him plenty, just not what most of his followers are teaching.  Therefore,  I don’t really belong fully in the world of Christians.  I don’t feel like I totally belong anywhere.  I know a lot of wiccans and assorted other neo-pagans are downright hostile to Christianity but I’m not.  So today, in truth, I would kind of like to be at Mass.  It doesn’t conflict with my beliefs.  I probably conflict with THEIR beliefs, but it’s not a conflict for me.  Yet, I didn’t plan ahead for it and my teenager doesn’t want to go.  My 2 year old has no darn idea what a church even is.

That makes me wonder, what kind of foundation should I be giving him?  It’s not like I’m instructing him on paganism either, not really.  I answer his questions, but he rarely has them. He’s 2.  He sees Mama do her witch stuff sometimes but is more interested in the activity than ascribing it any meaning.  I don’t talk to him about “The Goddess” because in all honesty, I don’t think I absolutely am devoted to that version of the divine any more than any other version.  I think they’re all different ways of looking at the same creator, or creative force, or whatever the heck it is.   I think they all exist and I think none of them exist, all at the same time.   And if that sounds confusing, it’s because I am confused somewhat myself.   How can I be expected to teach a child anything under those circumstances?  I am not willing to teach him just one version of spirituality anyway because I don’t think any of them have it completely right, and that’s because the divine is too dang huge for human brains to fully grasp, or so I think.

I know that I’m a witch, but being a witch is more of a vocation than a religion, because it can go along with so many religions.  I often say I’m multi-cultural and I really am.  I am at home in a church, or a pagan circle or a Buddhist temple or a native drum circle  or anyplace people will let me show up.  I am an International Relations and Religion student, so there’s no part of religious culture I don’t adore.    However, my love of the ritual circle does not drown out my longing for a beautiful old church, and my love of the Mass does not drown out my restless need to stand in the circle and call out to the spirits of the land and draw the moon into my body and send that power out of me into my magic.  So I guess I’m just going to have to get through it.  Today is an important day for one whole part of my spiritual self and I’m not doing anything to feed that part of myself on this very important day. I’m feeling it.  It just feels like a little hollow spot in me.  It is a little bit like a self-imposed exile.

Stream running high at the nature center

On a good note, I did use the very high tide of emotion and energy of these three Holy days to do a powerful house cleansing and put up protective wards that I really needed to get to and hadn’t done yet.  (I went to town, and was flying so high afterwards.  What an amazing current was out there to tap into yesterday!)  I took the family walking in the nature center.  It was the baby’s first time going out to the nature center and she rode around in the Snugli on her daddy’s chest and loved it.  It was muddy after the rain but the streams were high and fast and I could feel them pulling the dark winter out of me as I walked over the bridges and slogged through the fresh mud.    I cleaned up my yard and outdoor shrine and made offerings at it, to wake it up for the season.  I lit candles at the angel altars I have built for my children.  I put protective charms in their little beds.  I did good things.  I’m just missing one piece today and the piece appears to be Jesus.  I don’t think any of my pagan friends can understand that.  My Christian friends would just see it as evidence that I’m on the wrong track with all this “witch stuff”.  I don’t think I am.

I am just looking for a way for those two paths to meet at a crossroads…..and then I will stand in it.


Posted April 24, 2011 by Jessica in Uncategorized

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6 responses to “Just a little bit lost

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  1. Great, thought-provoking post, Jessica! I think it’s hard to navigate spiritual waters when you don’t quite fit into the mold of any one theology – the beauty of drawing from many different sources can also be frustrating – and lonely – sometimes. I think you SHOULD just go to mass when you’re missing Jesus! Whatever fills our souls with faith and love and nurturing, I say, go for it! Thanks for sharing!

  2. Oh, and I’m curious about the angel altars you have for your children. What are they???

  3. Thank you for your comments! I appreciate them very much. I also wanted to respond to your question about the angel altars. A couple of months ago, I felt guided to call my children’s angels in to be with them; particularly my 2 year old and my daughter who is now 5 months. So I rustled up a small guardian angel statue for my daughter and an Archangel Michael statue for my son and created two small altars; one for each child. I think both of them are on little tables that I used to have plants on. I draped each with a scarf or whatever cloth I could find that I felt was good and then put personal items from each child on there. Each one has their little hospital bracelet from their birth, and pictures of them. The baby’s has a little turtle, because I’m pretty sure she has a turtle spirit guide. I then got a 7 day candle for each one. Luckily, the angel candles aren’t too hard to find, but I would have been content with a plain red one for Michael and a plain white for the Guardian Angel. I wrote out my prayers and special intentions for each of them and folded it up and placed it under their candle. Whenever I think of it, I go and light candles for my babies at their angel altars and thank the angelic beings for watching over them. I’ve gone through a few candles over time and I really enjoy the practice, which does seem to send a peaceful loving energy through the house. I keep these in my own bedroom where they are supervised and safe. Sometime I think I will create a little shelf in each of their rooms for similiar things, just minus the lit candle, for safety.

  4. I am headed to an Angel Meditation workshop tonight, and I’m really looking forward to it! Made me think of you, and this post. I’ve never worked with angel energy before, so I’m curious to see what happens!!!

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