Contains flammable ingredients!   2 comments

Oh good grief.  What has gotten into me lately?  Or was it already there?

I’m like some kind of little friendly mammal that was usually reasonably clever, pleasant, usually even lovable.  Now I am the furry mammal that tears people’s faces off from time to time.  Like a werewolf, but more girly.

I have tried to assess what has gotten into me with my sudden desire to “stand up for myself,” often at the top of my lungs.  The throwing of projectiles may, or may not, be involved.   The reason I find it puzzling is that I don’t think there’s anyone to stand up to.  No one is really oppressing me.  No one is keeping me down.  Yet, I feel a terrible craving for freedom.  Freedom from what?  I don’t know!

Could this be hormones?  I don’t know that either.  I do know that if anyone of the male gender were to suggest such a thing, here she comes again:  fire breathing, angry freaked out screaming battle raven.  Not good!  Is she fun to be around?  Possibly.  Depends on if she likes you or not.  The dark queens are party girls, but it’s not a lovely, ethereal garden party.  It’s very earthly, and it’s very primal.

I have gotten extremely sensitive to the seasonal cycles; even more than I was before.  However, that really ought to be calming me down, considering the entire planet is slowing down….down…down.  At least in my hemisphere.   This does not seem to be slowing me down, though.  No doubt, I am descending to a kind of darkness, but it’s a wild kind of threshold darkness, not a sleepy darkness of peace.  It is the kind of descent where the obedient, socially appropriate mom and citizen who always lives up to her responsibilities dies a pretty easy death and leaves behind a wild woman, full of  passions both light and dark, tears free from her good girl clothes, and heads out to ride the sky with the Wild Hunt.  It’s all so Jungian I can hardly stand myself.  I am a cliche…I am a parody of myself!  The humor of this is not lost on me. (Though if someon else told me that, I may remove their spine.)

I do know that the desire for freedom is like wanting oxygen, and anything that keeps me from whateve this elusive “freedom” is all about suddenly becomes the target of my fight or flight instincts (which evidently are rather good!) and they may be taking their lives in their hands by interacting with me.  The only real exception to this is my children, though no doubt, I have considered lately how I might scoop them up all snuggly in their pajamas with our little suitcases packed and creep away into the night to go on grand adventures of fabulous freedom where all we need is each other, there are no rules and no responsibiliies and all we need to do is have fun, love and be loved, and throw off the shackles of the oppressive grey world of duty.

So I guess it’s not really about anger or rage.  It’s about the desire for freedom and for the things of joy that are being drowned out by the relentless drums of schedule, tasks, meetings, chores, eating my vegetables and trying to get some sleep in the process.  The world is about to curl in on itself for a season and I think I’m incubating something new inside.  Maybe my crazy fire breathing woman is just here to make sure no one stops that tiny little embryo of “new me” from coming into being.  We’ll see.  I think I should wear a helmet and other protective gear until it’s over.  I should also be restricted from access to flammable materials and possibly sharps. 🙂


Posted October 20, 2012 by Jessica in Uncategorized

2 responses to “Contains flammable ingredients!

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  1. Fierce post, wild mama! I got goosebumps reading it (or maybe it was the hairs on my shackles rising in excited understanding??) I, too, hunger for the freedom that you so eloquently describe. How I would love to meet you in the meadow of those dark woods, pups in tow, to prance and howl under the moon, with dirty dishes and PTA meetings like dying memory embers of the life left behind… Provocative piece, loved it!!!

  2. AMEN!

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