Archive for the ‘easter’ Tag

Just a little bit lost   6 comments

Stevie's Easter Eggs

Today is Easter and I noticed that after having some fun with my toddler and his Easter basket, I feel a little bit of loss.  I was raised as a Christian.  I even converted to Catholicism as an adult.  I don’t dis-believe in Christ.  On the contrary, I believe in him plenty, just not what most of his followers are teaching.  Therefore,  I don’t really belong fully in the world of Christians.  I don’t feel like I totally belong anywhere.  I know a lot of wiccans and assorted other neo-pagans are downright hostile to Christianity but I’m not.  So today, in truth, I would kind of like to be at Mass.  It doesn’t conflict with my beliefs.  I probably conflict with THEIR beliefs, but it’s not a conflict for me.  Yet, I didn’t plan ahead for it and my teenager doesn’t want to go.  My 2 year old has no darn idea what a church even is.

That makes me wonder, what kind of foundation should I be giving him?  It’s not like I’m instructing him on paganism either, not really.  I answer his questions, but he rarely has them. He’s 2.  He sees Mama do her witch stuff sometimes but is more interested in the activity than ascribing it any meaning.  I don’t talk to him about “The Goddess” because in all honesty, I don’t think I absolutely am devoted to that version of the divine any more than any other version.  I think they’re all different ways of looking at the same creator, or creative force, or whatever the heck it is.   I think they all exist and I think none of them exist, all at the same time.   And if that sounds confusing, it’s because I am confused somewhat myself.   How can I be expected to teach a child anything under those circumstances?  I am not willing to teach him just one version of spirituality anyway because I don’t think any of them have it completely right, and that’s because the divine is too dang huge for human brains to fully grasp, or so I think.

I know that I’m a witch, but being a witch is more of a vocation than a religion, because it can go along with so many religions.  I often say I’m multi-cultural and I really am.  I am at home in a church, or a pagan circle or a Buddhist temple or a native drum circle  or anyplace people will let me show up.  I am an International Relations and Religion student, so there’s no part of religious culture I don’t adore.    However, my love of the ritual circle does not drown out my longing for a beautiful old church, and my love of the Mass does not drown out my restless need to stand in the circle and call out to the spirits of the land and draw the moon into my body and send that power out of me into my magic.  So I guess I’m just going to have to get through it.  Today is an important day for one whole part of my spiritual self and I’m not doing anything to feed that part of myself on this very important day. I’m feeling it.  It just feels like a little hollow spot in me.  It is a little bit like a self-imposed exile.

Stream running high at the nature center

On a good note, I did use the very high tide of emotion and energy of these three Holy days to do a powerful house cleansing and put up protective wards that I really needed to get to and hadn’t done yet.  (I went to town, and was flying so high afterwards.  What an amazing current was out there to tap into yesterday!)  I took the family walking in the nature center.  It was the baby’s first time going out to the nature center and she rode around in the Snugli on her daddy’s chest and loved it.  It was muddy after the rain but the streams were high and fast and I could feel them pulling the dark winter out of me as I walked over the bridges and slogged through the fresh mud.    I cleaned up my yard and outdoor shrine and made offerings at it, to wake it up for the season.  I lit candles at the angel altars I have built for my children.  I put protective charms in their little beds.  I did good things.  I’m just missing one piece today and the piece appears to be Jesus.  I don’t think any of my pagan friends can understand that.  My Christian friends would just see it as evidence that I’m on the wrong track with all this “witch stuff”.  I don’t think I am.

I am just looking for a way for those two paths to meet at a crossroads…..and then I will stand in it.

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Posted April 24, 2011 by Jessica in Uncategorized

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